The Barney Worshippers Handbook

Barney Genesis

Chapter 1, Verses 1-6

In the beginning there was a giant purple egg, with #003366 stripes, green polka-dots, and little paisly flowers. And it existed, while time did not. And then, without warning, the giant purple egg, polka-dots and all, cracked. And then He stepped out, in all His magnificence, the One, the Only, the Purple, Barney. And Barney said, "Let there be light." And there was light. And Barney said, "Let there be Love!" And there was love. And Barney said "Let there be Happiness!" And there was happiness. And Barney said "Now, there must be some way for all the people I am about to create to enjoy all the Love, the Happiness, in this world. It will be called "Barney And Friends", and it air at 9:00 am Pacific Time on Channel 11, every weekday. And it will be brought to all the people by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and by Viewers like you. And it was so.

And Barney created the Planet of Earth, and the sun, and the stars, and the sky, all to help share the Love, the Happiness, and the Barney And Friends show. And the people were happy. They made a period of time which they called the Day, which measured the time between the viewings of the Barney And Friends show. It consisted of 48 Half-hours, which were the units of time which measured the length of the Barney And Friends show. And, to make the Day not quite so numerically formiddable, they made the Hour, which consisted of Two Half-hours. And life was good for the people.

Louie Laviticus

Verses 14-23

.. .and things were once again good. But slowly, the people started to become evil. They didn't watch the Barney and Friends show every day, nor did they pray to Barney every night and at every meal. They ceased to buy Barney dolls, Barney lunchboxes, Barney toothbrushes, Barney Coloring Books, and Barney Pajamas. The only ones not affected were the childred, those not corrupted to the evil, who still worshipped the holy Barney. Barney was not pleased. He said "There must be a change!" So he decided to send a savior down to the Earth, to preach of Good Things and rejuvinate the beliefs in Barney.

So Barney, in all His Purple Majesty, created his savior, and named her Baby Bop. And, with His blessings, He sent her down into the world to preach of Barney, and restore the evil world. And it was a success. People everywhere heard Baby Bop's preachings, and the belief in Barney rose again. Once again the people bought Barney dolls. Once again they bought Barney lunchboxes. Once again they bought Barney toothbrushes. Once again they bought Barney Coloring Books. And once again they bought Barney Pajamas. And Baby Bop and Barney once again existed, in all their Purple Glory, in happiness.


Thank you for purchasing the official Barney Worshippers Handbook. Now that you have this book, you will learn the true ways of Barneydom. You will see hymms never before availiable in paperback, night time, dinner, and Barney & Friends prayers, pages from the Holy Barney Coloring book, an official guide to the Barney & Friends episodes, and much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much more.

Enjoy, and remember... Be A Happy Family.


The Holy Hymm of Barney

I Love you

You love me

We're a happy family

With a great big hug

And a kiss from me to you

The Song that Never Ends


This is the song that never ends

Oh it goes on and on my friend

Some people started singing it not knowing what it was

And they'll continue singing it forever just because



Love and Happiness

Love and Happiness with Barney

Love and Happiness with Barney

Love is for everyone, Love is for all

Love is the joy that sustains us in the fall


Love and Happiness

Happiness and Love

Love and love and love and love

and Hap...I....ness!!


When you watch the Barney show all day

It gives you a feeling that just wont go away

Happiness comes from deep inside

Happiness that you just can't hide


When Barney tells us all it's time to say good bye

It really really really really makes me cry

But we must venture forth to preach of Happiness and Love.

Barney in his Purpleness will fly with the doves.



Norma Numbers

Verses 23-27.01










Before going to bed

Oh Barney

In your all your Purple Glory and Esence.,

Please protect me and and my family

from any harm that may come , from rapists,

homicidal maniacs, Phycotic killers, murders,

committers of homicide, perverts, Squids, Fluffadels,

crooks, criminals, vandals, thieves, filchers, pilferers,

pilligers, purloiners, friskers, hijackers, poachers,

life insurance salesmen, rustlers, burglars, robbers,

sickos, looters, plunderers, peeping toms, pyromaniacs,

Cthulhu worshippers, garbage men, bag ladies, demons,

devils, witches, warlocks, trolls, gnomes, golums, spirits,

ghosts, zombies, ghasts, lichs, and other politicians. Also

protect me from axe murderers, chain-saw massacre artists,

toilet paperers, dog catchers, lawyers, pound puppies, and

creatures that go bump in the night. Please protect me

from these evils, oh Great Wize and Purple One.

Before the Barney And Friends Television Show

Oh Barney

Blessed be you and the people who provide us with

the holy Barney and Friends show.

And Blessed be the Corporation of Public Broadcasting,

the Arthur Wayne Trust Foundation, and the ever holy

Viewers Like You. Blessed be those who contribute on

pledge nights, and ifeth they so choose to contribue $50 or

more, they shall recieveth a Barney And Friends Coffe Mug

absolutely free. And Damned be those who contribute to the

opponents of the Corporation of Public Broadcasting. May

their souls burn in the fires of Hell forever.